On Being Right

Why Is It So Hard To Admit It When We’re Wrong?

The Blind Spot of the Month story features a fellow who ended up slashing his friend’s face after they argued about who had more hair on his buttocks. The news report of this incident didn’t mention if the two were bragging about their alleged hairiness, or denying it! But like so many arguments, it doesn’t seem likely that the topic of the argument was the real issue behind it (so to speak).

Years ago, I read about a father and son altercation which led to the son fatally shooting the father. Reportedly, the pair were arguing over the interpretation of a passage in the Bible. Most of us have engaged in these apparently pointless arguments. Brothers and sisters squabble about what night a certain comedy is on TV. A mother tells her daughter that what she’s cooking is not a pot roast — and the daughter sifts through the trash to find the label from the butcher that will prove her mother wrong. Can these arguments possibly really be about such trivial issues?

No, the real issue is more likely to lie in the relationship between the two people who are bickering. I’d lay odds that in the majority of these cases, one or the other party routinely refuses to admit it when they are wrong, and frequently treats anyone who disagrees as “stupid.” That kind of stubbornness leads to tunnel vision. If you can’t admit that you might be wrong, then you’ll have a huge blind spot: you’ll miss seeing any value in any opinions different than your own.

But why is it so hard for some of us — or for all of us, some of the time with some people — to admit that we might be wrong? Think about a situation in which you find it especially hard to admit that you might be wrong, or think about a person who seems unable to admit that they are wrong. Then fill in the blanks below with whatever pops into your head:

• If the other person is even partially right, then _______________________
• If I admit that I’m even just a tad wrong, then ________________________
• If they admit that they are wrong, then _________________________

Your answers to those questions might be a great clue that reveals what’s at stake for you or for the other person in these arguments. They are answers to the what-would-it-mean-to-you question – what would it mean to you to realize you might be wrong; what would it mean to them to be wrong. These answers help explain why others need to deny even the possibility of being in error, or why you refuse to give an inch in certain arguments with certain people.

For example, Deborah Tannen points out that there are gender differences in how men and women view apologizing. Men often see an apology as a sign of weakness, and so resist apologizing especially in work situations where they want others to view them as strong. Women, on the other hand, more often view an apology as a way to mend a fracture in a relationship, and so feel that it’s riskier to refuse to apologize than it is to say “I’m sorry.”

How do you view apologies — too risky? absolutely necessary for good relationships? or some other way?

Have you ever apologized, and had it backfire?

Have you ever failed to apologize, to your lasting regret?