An argument between two New Jersey friends about who had more hair on his buttocks resulted in one of the men being charged with aggravated assault after he slashed his friend’s face.

How could this happen?

Source: News of the Weird, p. 15, Funny Times, February, 2003. www.funnytimes.com

The Blind Spot Guru says:

Start by assuming that these two men are able to use good judgment and act intelligently in many situations. If that’s true, what went wrong here?

Well, the pair might have had poor judgment because of drinking–but even then, it seems that the argument would never have become so intense if it was really about hairiness. Like so many quarrels, this one was probably about something else, something less obvious and deeper than the superficial event that triggered the fight. In this case, the argument may have been about past anger when one or both parties refused to admit that they could be wrong.

But there are lots of different reasons that might underlie apparently meaningless arguments. A mother gets into a fight with her teen-age daughter about who eats more popcorn. A colleague complains bitterly when a team leader fails to include her in a notice of a meeting. A morning service worker is incensed to see a task left unfinished from the night before.

What is our anger really about? If we can figure that out, we’ll have a better idea on what to do about the problem. Usually we’ll discover a whole history behind our reaction, a host of resentments about past events.

Example: A morning staff worker, Martha, explodes after discovering a task that the evening staff left unfinished.

Martha may feel unappreciated, manipulated, taken for granted, or overburdened. Most of those feelings are related to Martha’s interpretation of what’s happened: she may assume, for example, that the previous staff could have completed the task but didn’t because they didn’t care about her, took her for granted, etc. This might be true: but there might also be other reasons for the unfinished work.

When you’re angry, ask yourself: What is my anger really about?
Ask: What can I do about the real issue under my anger?
Ask: How sure am I that my beliefs about the motives of other people are correct? How could I learn more about their side?

Send me the Blind Spot of the Month story each month.