Hope rises with holidays. Without even realizing it, we imagine perfect family celebrations: Mom praises the meal, even picky Pauline is ecstatic about her gift, our oddball cousin Ken acts normal, Uncle Pete doesn’t drink too much, and Grandpa doesn’t deafen the room with the TV volume. The details vary from family to family, but the picture is the same: a picture perfect holiday with no disappointments.

These hopes doom us to the very disappointment that we want to avoid. Not only that, they make us act in ways that increase our stress exponentially. In hopes of creating the perfect day, we over-clean, over-shop, over-cook, over-plan and over-worry. We try too hard.

Here’s an example of trying too hard. One husband, in an attempt to get his relatives to show appreciation for all the work that his wife had put into preparing the meal, would repeatedly praise her cooking until other people chimed in with their gratitude. But there was an awkwardness and tension at the table while all this was going on. Why? The family members whom he was trying to influence realized that he wasn’t genuinely praising his wife — he was, in fact, trying to shame them into being more appreciative. In reaction, some of them vowed to never say a word about the meal. In addition, his efforts made his wife discount any compliments she did receive since they seemed coerced.

The solution to the trying-too-hard dilemma is simple, but not easy. I saw a card once that said on the outside: “Know how you can be proud of me, Dad?” Inside, it read: “Lower your expectations.” Lowering our expectations means that we no longer hope that just this once someone would ask us about how our life is going. Or that just this once no one would tease us about still being single, or criticize our vegetarianism, or nag us about looking for a better job.

When we are able to let go of those hopes, three very helpful things can happen. First, if these frustrating or disappointing things do happen, they don’t pack as big a punch. We can shrug them off a little easier since we didn’t expect that what has been par for the course would change much. Secondly, we stop trying too hard and so avoid creating some of the very reactions that will disappoint us further. And perhaps most importantly, we are able to find joy in what is here, in what does happen, rather than focusing on all the things that aren’t turning out quite as we would wish.

The Buddhists take the “lower your expectations” advice a step further. They might say: “Expect nothing.” We can misinterpret this message and “expect nothing” with a bitter attitude, thinking “everyone always disappoints me, I just won’t expect anything from anyone!” Of course, we aren’t then really expecting nothing — we are expecting disappointment and our bitterness will crowd out joy. But if we can truly expect nothing, and instead be open to whatever happens, to whatever our family celebrations bring us, perhaps we will experience little bits of the peace and joy that we so long for at this time of year.