by Madeleine Van Hecke, PhD

Ever hear comments like these in your workplace?

“What an idiot!”
“Why do we have to do this?”
“This is stupid!”

When we talk like this, we’re frustrated! Our frustration turns to complaints, complaints that some organizations try to stifle because they create a cloud of negativity. After all, calling someone an idiot doesn’t build great teamwork. But I think words like “idiot” and “stupid” are valuable, because they can help us move from anger to creative problem solving. Here’s how.

Tip #1

Use the “stupid” word as a cue to go from furious to curious. When you find yourself berating others and getting furious at their stupidity, ask yourself: What if I assume that person is not stupid, and ask the same questions, but in a different tone of voice?

Example:
After an exhausting day visiting potential customers, you are incensed to discover a dozen phone messages that the customer service people have left for you. “What idiots! Why didn’t they answer these questions instead of referring them to me?” you think.

What if you asked that same question, but in a different tone of voice? Why didn’t the customer service staff deal with those callers? Maybe they lack confidence in handling the questions – in which case they need more staff training. Maybe once you exploded when they mishandled a question, so they’re afraid of messing up again. Maybe the customers insisted on talking directly to you. Maybe the staff referred a dozen calls to you, but answered 45 themselves during a day where they too ended up exhausted. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

The point is that when you go from furious to curious and ask the same question with genuine curiosity, you do three useful things. 1) You reduce your own stress. 2) You uncover some possible solutions to the problem. 3) You’re more able to approach the other person about the issue in a problem-solving mindset instead of an attack mode.

Of course, other times when we’re frustrated we don’t think that the person is acting out of stupidity. We have another explanation for their actions. “He’s just a jerk!” we explain, or “she’s just lazy.” That brings us to Tip #2.

Tip #2

Notice when you’re thinking “he’s a jerk,” or “she just doesn’t care.” Sometimes when we ask ourselves “Why would anyone act that way?” we believe we have the answer. We decide that they aren’t willing to work as hard as the rest of us, or that they are inconsiderate, selfish, etc. These accusations might be true at times. But there’s another possibility. Maybe the person simply has a blind spot.

Example:
After teaching some classes as a graduate student, I began teaching part-time at a different college. Within a few days, the chair of the department called me into his office to “see how things are going.” In the course of the conversation, he told me that another faculty member had complained that I was inconsiderate – at the end of my classes, I was leaving the blackboard filled with my chalked notes.

Was I inconsiderate? Or did I just have a blind spot? In the college where I had previously taught, it was common to walk into a room and see the board filled from the preceding instructor. I was in the habit of erasing the board before my own class, and then leaving the board similarly filled. It simply hadn’t occurred to me to erase my own notes from the board in this new setting.

When you find yourself judging others as indifferent, careless, lazy, or selfish, ask yourself if you could give that person the benefit of a doubt. Maybe they are behaving badly – but maybe they just have a blind spot. If you give them the benefit of a doubt, you make it possible to talk with them about the problematic situation in a constructive way. You might say, “I’m trying to understand what happened here.” Or you might ask in a tone of genuine curiosity: “Why did you do that?” You can discuss the matter without triggering defensiveness, because your tone of voice is no longer accusatory.

Tip #3

Ask yourself, “Is it possible that I too have a blind spot?” Sometimes when we are frustrated by how others are behaving, we say things like “This makes absolutely no sense to me. I can’t understand why anyone would do that.” But if we truly cannot understand why our team member or vender or client is acting that way, then maybe we also have a blind spot. We are unable to see the situation from the viewpoint of that other person.

Example:
A team member gets frustrated when his colleagues don’t follow his advice. Why am I wasting my time, he thinks, trying to give these people the benefit of all my years of experience when they don’t take my suggestions anyway!

This team member can see solutions quickly, so he offers those solutions and expects that they’ll be adopted, gratefully. His blind spot is that he doesn’t realize what he fails to do. For example, because he believes he knows the answer in the first two minutes of the discussion, he fails to listen carefully to the struggles other team members are describing. He fails to realize that they need to feel they’ve been heard. He fails to ask them what they have tried in the past to solve the problem, and so he offers solutions that are rejected as being unworkable based on their past experience. He fails to work with them as a team to develop solutions.

When you are thinking that what’s going on simply makes no sense to you, ask yourself: Could I have a blind spot about this situation? Is there something that I’m missing? Then you can talk to the people involved, gain a deeper understanding of the dilemma, and once again form a partnership to creative problem-solve together.

Madeleine Van Hecke, PhD is the author of Blind Spots: Why Smart People Do Dumb Things, Prometheus Books, Inc., 2007. She offers workshops and seminars on reducing negativity in the workplace, improving communication, handling stress, and encouraging innovative thinking. For other free articles, including “What to Do When Other People’s Blind Spots Are Driving YOU Crazy,” visit www.overcomeblindspots.com.

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